HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.