Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.