Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”