Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am