Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time