[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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finally
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs