WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
That 👊
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.