Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
LOL!
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.