What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
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‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.