we all know this pain all too well
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire