The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
my retirement plan is braless
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life