I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise