My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Just as the prophecy foretold
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Weirdos gonna weird.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you