Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
yeah no that’s fair
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.