Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.