Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
the dark web is just a goth google.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.