A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
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Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*