Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
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water it, i dare you
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this