Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You Might Also Like
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me My dog
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap