A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.