I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas