drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
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Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
NASA has no chill
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.