how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this