My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Last-minute gift idea!
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
happy valentine’s day to me
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*