wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
the last thing a carrot sees
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!