6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me