My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
You Might Also Like
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Who knew!
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?