If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”