Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
felt that
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
This hospital has everything
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home