this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
You Might Also Like
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*offers Batman cough drops*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.