Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
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Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
The struggle is real
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave