There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
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some Old Testament wisdom
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m going to need a moment here.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”