Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
a lot to unpack here
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*