Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
You Might Also Like
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
is this store having a stroke wtf
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.