I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.