[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.