She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.