The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Customer is always right
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.