Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
i smell a pulitzer
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The first matador
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.