Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
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The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
A fake ID that makes you younger
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha