Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans