[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Yes, this is exactly right