It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
quarantine day 3
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk