The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!