If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
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Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
When you’re here for the treats.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
NOT all policemen are strippers.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?