[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.