Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.