I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
can you read it!!??
maan!
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”