Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The struggle is real
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
O Wise One….
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct