When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.